You Need to Read These WILD Headlines You Didn't Hear About, End of Summer Edition
Taylor Swift Can't Dance And No One Cares, Arizona Has Snakes in Toilets, Airplane Turbulence is on the Rise.
Arizona Woman Finds 3-foot-long Snake in Her Toilet
You know, I like to bitch about living in frozen Canada in the winter, and then I read stories like this and I send up a prayer of gratitude to my immigrant forebears for installing me in the north, far from creatures I am terrified of, including but not limited to:
Giant cockroaches
Scorpions
Chelsea Handler
Black-and-pink three-foot snakes that hide in toilets
“I’d been gone for four days and was looking forward to using my own restroom in peace,” said the homeowner who found a snake living in her toilet bowl. To which I say, Amen sister. Nothing beats a plip plop on your own toilet after traveling. You know, unless a snake is in there waiting to bite your bum.
“I lifted up the lid and he or she was curled up,” an Arizona homeowner told The Associated Press. “Thank God the lid was closed.”
Um, that was the sound of me passing out. A company called Rattlesnake Solutions (right there is the reason I will never live in Arizona) removed the serpent from the property, but not before taking a video of it hissing at the camera.
As you know, I’m always on the animal’s side of these stories, and in this case, I would have just moved out and signed the deed of my cursed house over to this snake. You can read the full story here.
Florida’s War With Invasive Pythons Has a New Twist
Pythons? No. Thank. You. I will not be writing anymore on this subject, but you can read the Wired article here.
How Figuring out Your “Ageotype” Could Help You Live Longer
A study that’s probably garbage but who knows says that there are four main ways we age. Apparently we age in “one of four distinct organs or systems – the kidneys, liver, immune system and general metabolism,” says a recent article in New Scientist. “But not everybody showed the same pattern of change. Most aged along all four trajectories at once, but with one or two predominating.”
Well that’s just great. I already know my immune system and metabolism are as busted as a ratty old wig.
Here’s what you theoretically could do in each type of aging:
Metabolic: “Metabolic agers could try to lose weight and exercise more – many studies show that a healthy weight and regular exercise can improve the processes by which the body converts food and drink into energy.”
Liver: “Liver agers may want to quit the booze, which is related to an increased risk of liver disease.”
Kidneys: “Kidney agers should drink more water – studies suggest that higher water intake is associated with a lower prevalence of chronic kidney disease and slower kidney function decline.”
Immune system: “Immune aging is characterized by a propensity towards chronic inflammation, which underlies many conditions of aging,” Consequently, immune agers could take turmeric or its active ingredient curcumin, which some clinical trials have shown have anti-inflammatory properties.”
Wait. How come liver and kidney people have it so easy? Stop boozing like a 1950s ad executive and drink more water, respectively? Life ain’t fair. You can read the article here [Paywall] in New Scientist.
Traditional TV usage drops below 50% for first time ever
In news that really shouldn’t surprise you unless you are old enough to recall riding in the backseat of a Model T Ford, traditional TV is in a major state of contraction. In fact, traditional TV use dropped below 50% for the first time ever. And while broadcast and traditional cable customers dropped, streaming has gone up to 39% of usage according to a July report from Nielsen.
Two thoughts: This reminds me of the death spiral of the magazine industry, which I got to see first hand as an insider. Who-ee, that was a wild ride all the way down. Second thought: This really can’t be good leverage for WGA striking writers, even if streaming is up. Read the whole story here on CNBC.
What is the reason to even have cable TV anymore? I have a Roku and I can watch CBC and Global news, live. I can’t think of a single current network TV show that’s a must-watch, other than when Succession was all the talk around the water-cooler. For sports, my husband pays for a streaming channel subscription to TSN (the Canadian equivalent of ESPN) for just the season of his favorite sport, not all year long.
How to Command a Stage Without Great Dance Moves (Taylor’s Version)
Taylor Swift can’t dance for shit, according to this NYTimes article, but we love her anyway. What she lacks in electrifying moves a la Beyonce and Brittany Spears, she makes up with her Swiftian boss girl essence: “She can strut or skip around the huge catwalk and stage that extend across the stadium floor without looking small. She can strike over-the-shoulder poses for the camera. She can inhabit her many sparkly costumes — rolling her hips in fringe dresses and Louboutin boots, using the flowy sleeves on her ‘Folklore’ dress the way Stevie Nicks uses scarves,” says this article you can read here.
Yes, and? In what world do we care if Taylor Swift can dance? I don’t know what’s going through Swifties’ heads when they listen to Taylor Swift, or fork out thousands of dollars to see her Eras Tour, but I’m here for the singing-songwriting about how Jake Gyllenhaal et. al. did her dirty, not the jazz hands.
Maybe it’s because I grew up in the Lilith Fair era but I really don’t expect my singer-songwriters to dance, I’m perfectly happy for my divas to be sitting at the piano and crying while they belt out power ballads.
Why is turbulence increasing?
In news that made me piddle my pants, airplane turbulence is on the rise, and it’s due to climate change. USA Today broke it down so even dumdums like me can understand it:
“A scientist at the University of Reading examined clear-air turbulence over the North Atlantic between 1979 and 2020. The comparison found increases of each type:
Severe clear-air turbulence: +55%
Moderate: +37%
Light: +17%”
Uh so, let me get this straight, you could just be cruising along in clear air and now there’s a 55% increase in severe turbulence? Time to book an ocean crossing on the Queen Mary 2, my friends! Read the whole article here.
Is “clean beauty” over?
Scandals and lawsuits have been rocking the clean beauty world, with mold growth and other issues raising eyebrows, according to this article in Allure magazine. Oh man, this was a long, and since we’re being honest, pretty boring read but I’ll give you the top takeaway:
“Even if it makes them roll their eyes, cosmetic chemists understand that coming up with clean formulas is part of the job (at least for now). But there’s absurdity to it when “clean” has vague connotations and no one definition. When a client requests a “clean” formula, “We’re just going to look at you and be like, ‘Okay, what retailer do you want to sell it in? Sephora? Ulta? Target?” Tsui says. “Clean doesn’t really mean anything to us besides a list from a retailer.”
If you know me from YouTube you know that I don’t really care if a product is clean or not. Would I love for cosmetics and skincare to use ingredients that are not xenobiotic? Of course, I’m not a (complete) idiot. But do I think the modern state of so-called “clean” cosmetics is where it’s at? No, it’s just marketing. Also: hard pass on any mold-growing products (like the Kosas concealer scandal), I’m not trying to run a biohazard test lab up here in my pores.
Updates from me that you didn’t ask for but you’re getting anyway
If you missed August’s edition of my round up of awesome things, read it here:
I got fit recently, and it made me angry that everyone makes it out to be harder than it is
I started a new career! Paywall alert! I write about behind-the-scenes stuff for my wonderful sponsors who pay for this newsletter to stay free for all of you, so they get a few secret articles in return. Is it a fair deal for them? Unclear, but I love you gals and thank you for doing what you do. 😘
That’s all for now! Thanks for reading!
Warmly,
Helen
Speaking of pythons, did you read the story about the Australian woman who had a live pinworm in her brain? She had apparently been gathering and eating grasses in an area where pythons poop and voila! My takeaway... don't eat grass.
https://www.msn.com/en-us/health/other/neurosurgeon-investigating-patients-mystery-symptoms-plucks-a-worm-from-womans-brain-in-australia/ar-AA1fUX31